But Baby Its Cold Outside...Actually, Its Not.

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? The one I used to know...
The Christmas spirit just isn't happening this year. Normally cold weather, lights, amazing friends and shopping just make me light up and glow. However this year just isn't normal. No cold weather, NO lights hardly anywhere, shady friends and pointless shopping. I'm giving up on Christmas. Maybe the thrill of it will come back when I have children or something...
Other news...
I love phases. I change daily, but it only adds to the spice of life. My friends are confusing me though. MC is all crazy about some rich boy she barely knows and its influencing her college decisions, Brittany is still a mess, Rachel just kinda excludes me these days, and Jenny just doesn't seem happy with me anymore and I don't know why. Back to MC. I don't understand. Mc @ Mc? I NEVER thought she would actually go there, but lately now I guess it doesn't suprise me. I hope Corey isn't the only reason she wants to go, actually I know that's not the only reason. I mean, its a good medical school, Rachel is going there, it's still close to home...I don't know. I'm not jealous, I know when I'm doing that. Its just rediculous! Corey asked her to go on a cruise with him. She's known him THREE WEEKS. Pish posh. I won't stand for that. Meanwhile, there's Blayne. He's a tricky one. I can't decide if I like him. Some days I really really like him. Others, the thought of him just makes me want to die (well, not exactly). He's a sweet guy he just has WEIRD mannerisms. I did get him a sweet ass Christmas present though. His favorite movie is Aladdin, and I got him a big movie poster of it and I'm going to get a frame and paints today and jazz it up a little. It should be really cool when I like take this huge wrapped present out of my car. I don't want him to get me anything thought; I know he has a job and all that and for some reason I always feel guilty when people who honestly have better things to spend their money on and they spend it on me (i.e. D aswell). I really hope the hustle and bustle of Christmas keeps me grounded (not the punishment sense). I feel like I'm losing my mind lately and its so frustrating. My temper is on edge and the slightest thing sets me off. Mean while, D came to town and he kissed me. I hate being boy crazy. Literally, I like crazy boys. But I'm sorry, Blayne does have a nice ass. So does Steele. I didn't say that uhhh...gotta go.


Opperation NO FOOD has begun.

So here it is, Merry Christmas ((everybody's)) having fun, Its only just *begun*.

How times are a-changin'...

Lately it seems like everyone around me is changing. Either its my mom, or Mary Cathryn, or the new friends I picked up fast, it just seems like something isn't right. I don't know, maybe I'm being rash with all these statements. Maybe its me? Who knows. I hope I figure it out soon.
Besides everyone changing, I know for a fact I am (not sure if its why i feel like EVERYONE is changing like stated above, I know I've changed. That's obvious), and it doesn't bother me for once. I go through phases frequently. I think I'm just going through another. Current phase: Indie dancer/music girl. Between what I wear, how I talk, who I talk to, and what I do, I know I'm hitting a phase. It's dumb, really. The fact that I can call myself out on something so dumb seriously puzzles me, cause if I know I'm doing it, then well, now I'm rambling and I've lost my point. Point is, I have a feeling this will last for a while, which is a GOOD thing. It really is which is sad cause its made me more driven. Hell okay last night I had a CRAZY night (alcohol involved, which makes me feel fat). I even caved this morning and got a McDonald's breakfast. Sick, I know, but SO delicious. BUT the point is, I made myself work out for an hour and a half. Not too extreme, but for me, that's groundbreaking. The whole time I was on those horrible-plastic-makes-me-want-to-die-cause-I'm-in-so-much-pain machines, I kept telling myself 'You want to be a dancer, right?' and it just made me press on stronger, especially at the end (four miles on eliptical in 35 minutes :) shut up, its a big deal to me). I guess I'm just going to start doing this every day. I really do have to drop some serious pounds for Encore. Which brings me to...
On stage I feel amazing. When I watch performances of myself I feel horrible. I can't believe I look like that. Yeah, some shots are pretty damn good if I do say so myself, but like video footage makes me want to throw up. Stage lights seriously add about 10 pounds I'm convinced. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to weigh myself weekly and post it here so I can keep track. I want to loose about 20 pounds. Gross. And I'm scared I can't do that because of muscle mass, but I want to be able to fit into a 3-5. So if my weight technically stays the same or rises (and I follow my strict diet and all that), I won't be too scared or disappointed if I can squeeze my huge ghetto ass into some 5's. After hearing to even audition for Clinton's Attache you have to weigh a certain amount, I realize they have a look. A look I envy. All of their girls just look great. I want to look great. Basically, I would sell a kidney on the black market to be in Attache. Plus being this is my last year to live eat breathe Encore, I need to make it my best year yet. AND cause I'm on the front this year alot (!!!), it couldn't hurt to look freaking fine. So thus being said, Mission: 125 lbs. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a big 145, I'm just well, normal.
I want to be thin...






I want to be skinny.
I want to be a dancer.

Honey Daniels? Oh I Mean Mary-Emma..

Honey is the best movie. Okay so we're creating a dance ensamble. Me and John are gonna lead it and I'm excited. Don't take that out of context, I'm not excited about dancing with John (although it's a plus cause he actually can dance when he wants to) I'm excited about actually getting a chance to dance. Like me, truly dance, the way I want to. Anything I want, my choice. Course I have to work it out with John so that way guys and girls mesh, but I mean come on. This is it. So for the next couple of days, don't plan on actually talking to me. I'm too busy dancing. :)

Thanksgiving; What does that even MEAN anymore?

I guess since all holidays are in my book are events created by the greeting card industry, I'm pessimistic when it comes to fairy tale thoughts of the holiday spirit. This year, I happened to be spending the week with my mom not my dad this year. Althought I didn't expect an elaborate feast, I didn't expect what I got either. My mom tries, she really does. But its gotten to the point where she doesn't treat me like a child when I mearly am I child, and won't take me like an adult when the time is necessary. The whole meal consisted of me, and my mom, while my good-for-nothing step-dad sleeps on the couch. The meal itself was good, but just a little lacking in the whole picturesque idea in the movies. Ham (yes ham, not turkey), sweat potato caserole, green beans, and mashed potatoes. We are a potato family. "Small, and broken, but still good." Lilo and Stitch can teach some good life lessons. Plus, this whole thing lasted about 20 minutes. Tops. Just me, and Janette. Oh Lord...

This break I haven't done ANYTHING productive. The only think I said I would do that I actually have was start my painting for a belated birthday present, and clean my room, which was forced upon me for the dogs managed to get in and sift through my garbage thus destroying EVERYTHING in sight. I'm about $150 broker, completely overwhelmed with laundry to do, and the ever-present task of finalizing college plans and applications for scholarships. I really just want to say screw it, and I could (not trying to sound like a richy-rich type), but I mean still I know my dad would appreciate the act of my trying to get extra money as a sign of humbleness. As of right now, its down to (top choices) ((realistically)) 1. Miss. State 2. Southern Miss 3. Millsaps. <-- okay, so it's not really an option. Even if I truly wanted to go there, and I actually got in, I surely couldn't ask my dad to pay that kind of money. Public college is a whole nother thing besides PRIVATE college expenses. AH. But yeah, Southern and MSU. State has essentially all I want for student activities, except for the whole 'fine arts' department. I really can't imagine not dancing now that Show Choir has opened my eyes to it (yes, show choir dancing is dancing, just you wait. I'll go somewhere with it). Plus I know I want to sing in a choir wherever I go. AND Southern has great fine arts. Which is a complete plus. State on the otherhand just has the boy of my dreams up there, plus I know my way around there and it just is fun. Alot of my friends are in the same situation I'm in with Southern or State. Hopefully I won't be the odd-ball out and not get a roommate.

I haven't had a Blogger account in forever, so it's going to take a while to get back into the swing of things on it. A former Xanga addict, I can't help but blog. I just needed another host site for stalkers and what not on Xanga and crazy-ex boyfriends that really do linger on all my actions and I couldn't help but make my blog personal, cause I mean HELL that's what its there for! Time to do some exercise videos or clean or something. I need a reason to get off the computer.