Lately it seems like everyone around me is changing. Either its my mom, or Mary Cathryn, or the new friends I picked up fast, it just seems like something isn't right. I don't know, maybe I'm being rash with all these statements. Maybe its me? Who knows. I hope I figure it out soon.
Besides everyone changing, I know for a fact I am (not sure if its why i feel like EVERYONE is changing like stated above, I know I've changed. That's obvious), and it doesn't bother me for once. I go through phases frequently. I think I'm just going through another. Current phase: Indie dancer/music girl. Between what I wear, how I talk, who I talk to, and what I do, I know I'm hitting a phase. It's dumb, really. The fact that I can call myself out on something so dumb seriously puzzles me, cause if I know I'm doing it, then well, now I'm rambling and I've lost my point. Point is, I have a feeling this will last for a while, which is a GOOD thing. It really is which is sad cause its made me more driven. Hell okay last night I had a CRAZY night (alcohol involved, which makes me feel fat). I even caved this morning and got a McDonald's breakfast. Sick, I know, but SO delicious. BUT the point is, I made myself work out for an hour and a half. Not too extreme, but for me, that's groundbreaking. The whole time I was on those horrible-plastic-makes-me-want-to-die-cause-I'm-in-so-much-pain machines, I kept telling myself 'You want to be a dancer, right?' and it just made me press on stronger, especially at the end (four miles on eliptical in 35 minutes :) shut up, its a big deal to me). I guess I'm just going to start doing this every day. I really do have to drop some serious pounds for Encore. Which brings me to...
On stage I feel amazing. When I watch performances of myself I feel horrible. I can't believe I look like that. Yeah, some shots are pretty damn good if I do say so myself, but like video footage makes me want to throw up. Stage lights seriously add about 10 pounds I'm convinced. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to weigh myself weekly and post it here so I can keep track. I want to loose about 20 pounds. Gross. And I'm scared I can't do that because of muscle mass, but I want to be able to fit into a 3-5. So if my weight technically stays the same or rises (and I follow my strict diet and all that), I won't be too scared or disappointed if I can squeeze my huge ghetto ass into some 5's. After hearing to even audition for Clinton's Attache you have to weigh a certain amount, I realize they have a look. A look I envy. All of their girls just look great. I want to look great. Basically, I would sell a kidney on the black market to be in Attache. Plus being this is my last year to live eat breathe Encore, I need to make it my best year yet. AND cause I'm on the front this year alot (!!!), it couldn't hurt to look freaking fine. So thus being said, Mission: 125 lbs. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a big 145, I'm just well, normal.
I want to be thin...
I want to be skinny.
I want to be a dancer.
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